Rules of Train Etiquette

I am taking this opportunity while life in Small Town X is slow, to share a story of the past. One that has been requested, and highlights one of my few moments that qualify as evil genius. As the luggage carousel post has shared, I have terrible luck when traveling. Now the irony of this fact lies in the suspension of trouble when traveling with others. If in a group, trouble remains at bay. But get me alone and it rears its ugly head. I have tried many forms of transportation. Plane, car, greyhound, and last but not least the train. I discovered that this form of transportation did not become extinct with the industrial revolution, but is alive and well. So one fall semester I gave Amtrack a try. The first trip was long, late but ultimately uneventful. The second was anything but, especially after we hit a truck trying to beat the train and were de-railed. Alas on my last venture with the train I found that although I may not be confrontational, my passive aggressive side wins in the end. Now when riding the train, there are a few unwritten rules everyone should be aware of.

1. The train is set up like a plane (two seats and aisle and then two seats) Everyone would like their own pair to relax on the invariably long journey ahead of them.

2. Once you have secured 2 seats, when stopping at stations, pretend to be asleep. Someone is more likely to ask a conscious person to share seats than an unconscious one.

3. Whoever has been on the train longest has seniority.

4. There is always drama between passengers when in small enclosed spaces for extended periods of time.

5. Strange people ride the train.

Now that the basics have been covered, here is what unfolded this fateful trip. I boarded the train in Denver, CO headed to Utah. It was fairly empty, I put my ticket up above the seats and gladly went to sleep. About 6 hours into the trip we stopped at a station where I promptly "fell back asleep" and waited to depart. I heard the woman behind me get asked if she would mind having another woman sit next to her. Score! I kept my seats and space in tact. Now there is not much to do on trips as long as these, so eavesdropping is always on the agenda at some point. What I learned was the woman who had just gotten on the train was vegan (she also went extensively into the differences between vegan and vegetarian), her boyfriend was a biker who shanked someone while in prison, and quickly found out that this passenger resented me for being able to stretch out and sleep. I would like to take a second to point out that I was NOT the only one with this luxury, there were quite a few of us. However, she began to make obnoxiously rude comments about wanting me to get off the train so she could take my seat.

Hour after hour I listened to these comments getting more and more angry at this total stranger. Unfortunately, I am not good at confrontation, and thought even if I freak out and tell her off, what then? I am in a train car without escape with a woman who could have learned how to kill me from her inmate boyfriend. So needless to say, by the 14th hour of this nonsense, at 1:30am I was at a breaking point. About 45 minutes away from my destination, I look over at my water bottle, which had once been frozen but now sat warm and undrinkable, and got a scathingly brilliant idea. When on the train, passengers tend to gravitate to the window seat and stretch out toward the aisle. I thought, if I pour all 24 ounces of this water on the seat, then when she takes it she will be soaked. And the best part was then she would wonder about how she had not seen me leave my seat in 12 hours (for fear she would move my things and take it) and think maybe this girl peed in the seat! It was pure malevolence and I loved it! Then my conscience kicked in and I felt some guilt over leaving her in wet pants all night. So I made a deal with myself. If she could make it the last 30 minutes without the rude comments, I would not do it. Not 10 minutes went by when she could not help herself, and frankly neither could I. As the five minute warning approached, I silently and discreetly moved to the aisle seat and poured 24 ounces of warm water onto the window seat. It was dark fabric so after a gentle pat down, one could not tell it was soaked. However, the slightest amount of pressure would puddle the seat. I sat with unadulterated satisfaction and pure joy over this passive aggressive moment of triumph. I went over the hours of snide remarks and pictured the hours of wet pants as payment. I got up and went down feeling victorious in my renegade justice. Reality hit when the train came to a stop, but there was no station. I was told by the conductor that the track had a break and we were a mile from the station. In an instant victory transformed into terror over the thought of this woman coming after me once she discovered my trap. I begged and pleaded to be let off the train, in fact I asked to walk the last mile. Alas, he would not allow it. Thankfully lady luck finally smiled on me. The path up to the passenger area was completely blocked off by other students trying to get off at this stop. The break was right after the station, and I left the platform feeling absolute freedom. I never saw this woman, and would not know her if our paths were ever to cross again. But should this ever reach her I would offer one final word of advice. Train etiquette is alive and well, and the consequences damp, so next trip keep your comments to yourself.